14 months and 14 failed cycles later, I have come to realize so many things that sentences would just be overwhelming.
- our journey to have our second child is obviously nothing like our experience for #1
- I have zero control over pretty much anything (everything?)
- My husband is a champion. For dealing with a hormone crazed wife, always staying positive, and being more than willing to try whatever comes next on the list of recommendations.
- I have read and learned so much in 14 months, I feel I am qualified for an honorary degree in reproductive endocrinology (I kid, sort of)
- I am healthy on paper, but what the hell does that mean
- postpartum cycles are nothing like pre-baby cycles
- I am amazing at keeping big secrets. This probably has impressed me most of how few people I have told about our journey. I am not one that can keep quiet easily, but the very last thing I have wanted to do is to let any of our family know. There is something so personal about infertility. Its one thing to explain every detail of your bodily issues and sex life to your RE and their nurses, but when the questions start coming from mom and dad, it just seems way too awkward.
- when you have had one baby, everyone is very quick to tell you'll get pregnant in due time since you obviously are capable of conceiving
- The day you get a BFN or your period starts, you will always get a 'slap in the face' pregnancy announcement from someone.
- These are not the sweet announcements from friends or family that are prepared, trying for, and hoping for a baby, some who have been trying longer than you. These are the 'oops, totally unplanned', 'we have no money but decided to not prevent and have another', 'we really only wanted one more, and aren't happy that we are having twins'.
- I totally understand these thoughts and feelings, I had completely ungrateful and unappreciative comments and thoughts when pregnant with #1, but damn they really hurt to hear/watch/see on this side of it, like literally knock the breath out of your body.
- Clomid.... that stuff, yikes. Hot flashes, night sweats, raging hormones
- Being on hormones makes you irrationally angry. I don't know if its the huge swings that come when each hormone plummets at the end of use, or just the nature of taking them, but the all consuming anger and ability to not let anything go is insane. I didn't know that anything could get me so angry, especially things that are so meaningless.
- Secondary infertility is a special little place where infertile who have no kids don't count your struggles as worthy since you already have one child, and those who have kids have trouble understanding the pain.
- Mom guilt is there all.the.time. Every minute, dollar, and brain cell I spend thinking about or taking action towards having another child, I feel that I am robbing my current child of my time/money/attention.
- Do people think that my strong urge to have more kids means I don't love the one I have? I am so blessed with the wonderful child I have, but as an only child, I deeply want her to have siblings (plural) and those experiences. As a parent, I want the experience of parenting more than one kid. I feel guilty that I can't just accept that we may be finished, but in my heart, I cannot accept that we are done without trying every last option that exists. I would fight this hard to do anything for my child, and I feel that this also includes being able to give her a sibling.
- While I realize she may prefer a shiny new bike compared to a sibling, I am looking at the big picture, the long term payout, and I know (hope?) that she will be able to look back as an adult and realize that having a sibling who shared life experiences with her will mean more.
- Every month that comes and goes, I watch the age gap of the kids I had hoped to have get bigger and bigger. Will they ever have similar friends? play sports together? Ever attend the same school at the same time? Age spacing isn't everything, but you have to let go of the dreams and thoughts you once had about how your family would look. Would function. Would interact. Will our (hopeful) children ever have the close relationship we envisioned if they are 3,4, 5 years apart instead of 18-24 months apart? Age isn't everything, but at the end of the day, I guess it all leads back to:
- We may never have another baby
So after 14 cycles, 14 BFNs, hundreds of OPKs, dozens of vials of blood, 8 different ultrasounds, 7 rounds of hormones, 2 IUIs, and 1 HSG we find ourselves mere weeks away from jumping into the IVF arena. A world I never thought we'd enter since conceiving #1 three weeks after coming off BCPs after 9 years.
My goal for the remainder of this journey, however long it may be, is to be positive, follow my husbands lead of staying hopeful and saying 'when' instead of 'if' to the goal of growing our family. I am beyond blessed to have my child, my husband, my health, have the ability to still conceive naturally (even if it may not be happening), the financial stability to be able to pursue advanced treatment options, an amazing BFF who has listed to countless hours of whining, planning and hormones, a great medical team that I truly believe is working in our best interest, and the ability to see the beauty in this journey. I can confidently say I would not appreciate my child as much, embrace motherhood (and its insanity) as much, or feel as amazing blessed as I do now knowing that we may not always get everything we want, and having children at all is the most amazing blessing there could be. I am so thankful to be in a position now where I have been encouraged and led to realize the miracle the parenthood really is and that children are the single most valuable and amazing gift in this world. While I may not love (or even tolerate) this journey of infertility, I can and will always be grateful for the clarity it gave me in realizing what an amazing life and family I am already blessed to have.
